NEW COMPANY POLICIES

MEMORANDUM

TO : ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM : THE MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT : NEW COMPANY POLICIES

A. Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

B. Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

C. Personal Days

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sundays.

D. Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

E. Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

F. Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink Slim-fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. For your immediate compliance.

How to Handle a Husband

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon,by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you friggin crazy!?

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after.'

Be Strong Honey

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

"if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you . Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him that it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too !!!"

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Mexican Jews

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know Senior, I'll go ask the cook." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringo's," gave the expected answer. "I will check again Senior" and went back to the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senior, the head cook says, No Mexican Jews!"

"Are you certain?", Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are No Mexican Jews!"

"Senior, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

The Filipino is Smart!

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.

Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Women's Lib International Conference

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast Lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said,"After last year's conference, I went
home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Filipino lady from Visayas, stood up and said, "Aftir lass year's kampirince, I win hum(went home) and tuld dat lazy husband op mines, Pidro, dat I was tro getting his slippers, kuking his meals ol da tyme, washing his undirwir and dat he was guing to hab to do dem himsilf. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued,"Aftir da first day, I see nating. Aftir da secun day, agin I see nating, but aftir da tird day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

The Fridge

One morning at a doctor’s surgery, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back".

The second patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor".

Flex that muscles...

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?" "Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality, as his admission depended on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's
the DAY sir!"

"How?" the interviewer asked.

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Lord, they are finally together....

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband ?

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs".